Dylan and Cole Glebke: Putting Ourselves Back Together Again

(Click on the image above to hear the podcast. Narration below.)

Dylan and Cole circa 1999

I want to tell you about two brothers, Dylan and Cole Glebke—who impacted a small group of friends and family members in Neillsville, WI.  May 7, 2020 marks the 20th anniversary of their deaths. They were killed by a drunk driver after prom along with two of their friends Louella Blackdeer and Danny Riddle.

To be clear, death isn’t an simple subject. And it’s not easy to talk about. In fact, even after 20 years, their deaths show us how complex everything can still be. Amber—Dylan and Cole’s older sister—still finds herself processing their deaths:

Amber: So, like when you texted me the first time about it, I cried all weekend  because it made me look in and…I want to speak from my heart and I want to say how I feel. But it’s 20 years later, things should be better but they’re just kind of not.  When I really look, when I texted you, I was bawling my eyes out—like how my heart still feels broken.

Amber with her mom Pam and step dad Dan

Death is humbling in a terrible sort of way. It teaches you how to let go while holding on. I know, it’s a strange dichotomy. And that’s the most difficult part in the end: That behind a tragedy like this, they were teenagers, who moved so many people, in such a short amount of time, we forget how quickly they came into ours lives.

What their lives were about is more than a tragedy on prom night. It’s like a story of Humpy Dumpty after no one could put him back together again—how does a family, a group of friends, and a community function after everything falls apart?

Becoming a Family

 Pam Kernan isn’t like anyone else. She gets people. She knows what it’s like to be poor, to face addiction, and to be looked down upon. It’s one of the reasons why she’s a social worker today for Clark County, WI. As she explains, there isn’t a spot in the county were she hasn’t lived:

Pam: I went to school in Loyal. I went to school in Greenwood. I went to school in Loyal. I went to school in Thorp. And I went to school in Neillsville. And so, I was kind of a Clark County brat. I have a lot of friends and also step relatives [in the area]. My mom married someone from Neillsville. And that’s how we got over here.

Pam and Dan

Pam moved around a lot as a child. And, she wasn’t just isolated to central Wisconsin:

Pam: But my dad’s from the West Coast. And so, he’s a Fort Peck tribal member. Of course, he passed away several years ago too. But, when I wasn’t growing up [in Neillsville], I was growing up on the reservation. In Washington state. On the Makah Reservation in Neah Bay. In Taholah and Queets on the Quinault Reservation.

Pam’s native heritage is critical part of her personality. As a child, she’s experienced many of the issues found in the native community. Neglect, poverty, alcoholism, or abuse, these were parts of her childhood. But, if you ever meet Pam, you wouldn’t know this. She’s a funny and outgoing person, and she makes people feel good about themselves. She makes the most out of difficult situations:

Pam: You know, we had some life sayings. You know, life sucks. You have the choice: You can let life suck the life out of you or you can suck the life out of life. So, we decided as a family that’s how we were going to live, and we were going to suck the life out of life.

Pam imparted this onto her kids: Amber, Dylan, and Cole. What she noticed right away about them was how much they reminded her of herself. Their personalities. Their smiles. Their outlooks on life. Each one was a different aspect of herself.  Pam says, in retrospect, how she wanted each of her children to be their own person:

Pam: And having that belief that every person is individual and created as a gift, you know, for people’s lives, and encouraged to walk along, they were individuals. One of the strongest things I think about my faith—that I like—was having that knowledge that there’s only one of you. You have different abilities and strengths than you do, and than you do.  We can celebrate all those gifts and abilities.

As kids, Amber, Dylan, and Cole were a package deal. Amber was the older sister who was more like their mom, making them food, picking out their clothes, keeping them out of trouble. And they all got along. And they managed to stay close even throughout high school. They would often hangout in the same places, go to the same concerts, and socialize with the same people. For Amber, being together gave them energy:

Amber: There was a confidence we had to be ourselves, to have fun doing it, and to not care what people thought of us. I would say that was the same for them too. At least for me, I can’t speak for them, but for myself, I drew so much confidence from them. Because, I feel like we were different, and I would agree with that. And I always felt different. For me, I gained a lot of confidence from my brothers.

But, like most siblings, they were different people. As Pam points out, Dylan was unlike anyone the world would encounter:

Pam: You know, I can’t tell you if it was when he stuck the bean up his nose [laughs]. I tell you, I panic and panic. No more than I get one bean out of his, he decides to stuck another one up there [laughs]. He always had you laughing. He was always big and mischievous. When he was little, he always loved to cook and stir. You know, whatever he could put in the pot to stir, he would stir it up. When he finally decided he was going to use appliances, he made himself a grape shake—with grapes and ice cream. He was always extra extraverted.

Pam loved this about Dylan. She loved his willingness to be himself. He made people laugh. He was always the center of attention. At times, Dylan was a contrast to older sister and younger brother:

Pam: Cole was very introverted. For him, I think, it was easier for him to stay in the background because Dylan was such an extrovert. And I would say that Amber was very introverted too. So, Dylan always took the lead in almost everything that all three did.

Nothing really changed about Dylan and Cole. As Amber remembers, their personalities became a constant thing:

Amber: As soon as their personalities were developed, I guess that when I was 5 or 6 years old, it seems like that they were true to those personalities up until the day they died. The only thing that I did notice was that right before Cole died that he grew like fricking 4 inches! That was the only change, his height. They both, just before they passed, got taller than me.

Amber, Dylan, and Cole didn’t grow up in Neillsville. Like Pam, they moved around Wisconsin. Right out of high school, Pam started life as mother when she married Dale Glebke. And then they had the kids. All born within a five window. Soon after Cole’s birth, Pam and Dale separated. And Pam meet her current husband, Dan Kernan. They never had any kids. Dale remarried and had three children, who are still close to Amber to this day.

Their journey back to Neillsville seems contradictory. As Pam explains, the family moved to the Manitowoc area, the village of Valders to be specific, for a simple reason:

Pam: I really wanted to be close to some water.  And we’d go up there and go salmon snagging. So doing the salmon snagging, we decided we’d just move over there and the kids liked to fish too.

Neillsville isn’t known for salmon. You can buy it at the grocery store. But, that’s about it. For Pam and kids, there was an opportunity after Dan’s grandparents passed away during mid ‘90s:

Pam: The reason we came back is my husband, and while we were over there I got married to Dan, and Dan’s grandparents passed away.  So, when his grandparents passed away, they were selling the farm. Dan, and I, and the kids had come over here, off and on, and stayed with grandma [during] holidays [and] summer. [We’d] help with the haying and stuff like that. But when they both passed, we decided to sell our house and buy the farm.

Mystic Aliens from Another Planet

If you add up these facts, the Glebkes should have fit right into Neillsville. I mean, Amber, Dylan, and Cole covered all the prerequisites. They lived on a farm, liked fishing, camping, and being outdoors in general. When the entered school in 1996, Amber in 10th grade, Dylan in 8th grade, and Cole in 7th grade, they were like three mystic aliens from another planet.  They weren’t like other kids in school.  And students noticed this  right away. Blake Teschner, who had homeroom with Cole, picked up on this:

Blake: When you first show up to school, you go to your homeroom class to get everything lined up.  We had Mr. Meurett who was the art teacher. He picked apart those who stood out a little different. For being the art teacher, you think he would have embraced those who were a little bit different. I do remember, I wrote down on this piece of paper, Cole had a Vladers AA shirt on. AA, we’re in 7th grade. We’re 12 years old. I knew what AA was. I just remember that…I don’t know if I thought to myself This is a cool dude. But we clicked.  We were both a little different. Rebellious, but at 12 years old how rebellious can you be? You know, you’re arrogant and cocky to your teacher really. So, that’s were Mr. Meurett really came down on us. Like I said, with the first time I met Cole with that shirt. Who’s wearing an AA shirt in middle school?

Blake and his wife Georgette (photo by Britteny Althoff)

It was more than a t-shirt. Fawn, who quickly became best friends with Dylan, took to him instantly. Like Blake, Fawn felt different. She didn’t feel like other kids at school. And in 1996, being different in small town Wisconsin could feel like a death sentence. If you didn’t drive a truck or wear the right clothes, you became an easy target—as if you encouraged kids to make fun of you. Dylan gave Fawn, well, a pass to be someone else:

Fawn: Meeting him during my formative years, he was the kind of person that everything about him, the way he dressed, carried himself, and acted kind of spoke to me. He was on the outside who I was on the inside. Like being this artistic almost like…I had a freak flag but mine was on the inside. When he came with his spiked collar and being that mystical, weird little alien, I was like That’s so cool that he can show that on the outside. Hanging out with him allowed me to be more like that, letting my individuality show. All of a sudden, there were two of us.

Fawn and her husband Kenny

This phenomenon wasn’t limited to only Dylan and Cole. Amber was as much as their older sister as well as their co-conspirator. Daisy Linville noticed that Amber was just a special as her brothers. And quickly integrated herself into the Glebke household:

Daisy: I don’t know. I remember seeing this really cool girl across the sanctuary. Like Oh my God! Who’s that awesome girl!  She’s like a punk rocker. She has all these flashy clothes and has her hair up in pig tails. Oh my God, nobody here dresses like that! I knew that I had to meet her, so we became best friends almost instantly. I, regrettably, ignored all my other friends and my sister just so I could be with Amber all the time. And I’m thankful for that, but at the same time neglected all my other friends. So, yeah…

Daisy with her sons

You probably heard of this before. New kids come to town, people get excited, and then they slowly melt into the background. With the Glebkes, they didn’t follow this path. They seemed to contradict themselves. These kids came a from a working class, Christian background and had roots in the county; they should have assimilated. But they didn’t. They were like a punk rock circus act—complete with dyed hair, studded collars, loud music, skateboard sessions, late night road trips, and the list goes on. All of this, before many of us owned a car.

Leah Johnson, my older sister and close friends with Fawn, says that was their appeal:

Leah

Leah:  I think it was this ridiculous charisma that nobody in our town had. You know, we grew up in such a small area and everyone knew everyone else. And the goal especially in middle school in a small town—your goal is to just fit in. And that was something that they just didn’t do. They didn’t even try to fit in. And I think that’s what kind of brought people in. In a time when you’re just so desperate to be like everyone else, they weren’t at all and they were so happy about it. I think that no matter where you grow up to see someone at that age [being] so comfortable with themselves, you don’t see that a lot. Because all three of them, Amber included, they were just so effortless in their confidence and naturally people gravitated to them for that.

To put their personalities into perspective, it’s like explaining a fantasy. I mean, it doesn’t seem true if you weren’t there. Even as Fawn recounts one day at school, it’s a snapshot into Dylan’s everyday life:

Dylan’s 11th grade photo

Fawn: He got a pair of green Doc Martin boots. And like I said, he liked to splurge. He went through a period were he would only wear t-shirts from the Gap. He bought those t-shirts from the Gap [because] they’re from the Gap, they’re comfortable, and they’re cool. And look at me: I have t-shirts from the Gap. But, at the time, there was a commercial on. The people in the commercial would sing They call me mellow yellow.  So, he bought those t-shirts so he could walk down the hallway and sing that song. But, the Doc Martin boots, during art class, it’s like one of those stories Who does this? But, he jumped up on the table and sang Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are made for Walking”. And as a 16 year old boy in art class, he was like I don’t give a fuck. I’m going to dance on the art table.  In front on everyone. In front of all the football players. In front of everyone. In front of everyone you normally don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of. He was like Check out my boots!

Again, this wasn’t an isolated event. This was Dylan’s life. Everyone who knew him has their own story. Even when Daisy met Dylan, she knew that he wasn’t like everyone else:

Daisy: Amber invited me to go camping just a few short weeks after they arrived [to the area]. I think that was the first time I met Dylan and Cole at the camp site in Hatfield at [Lake] Arbutus. And Dylan said Pleased to meet ya. And lifted me up by my legs and threw me over his shoulder and ran across a parking lot. And I was like Who in the Hell is this awesome guy? This is cool. I never had a pick me up and throw me over their shoulders before. We were at the camp site. He said Hey I’m going to go over to the next camp site and trick these drunk people next to us. So he goes over and says Hey folks, we got to shut the party down and out the fire. You’ve gotten some complaints that it’s too noise and rowdy over here. And he stands up on a chair and pisses on these people’s campfire. And they were amused by it. And we were cracking up! Oh, my God!

Then, at the same time, interacting with Cole wasn’t like interacting with Dylan. In many ways, they balanced each other out. It was more than Dylan was loud and Cole was quiet. As Fawn and Leah remember, they almost made a perfect couple:

Cole’s 9th grade photo

Fawn: And Cole, he took a long time to open up to people. He was very timid. His sense of humor was very different than Dylan’s. He was more of a sit there and take everything. And he would only really open up to you if you showed him it was okay to. He wasn’t all out there like Dylan was. Dylan was like Hey, I’m Dylan. I’m an open book. I like this and I like this. And Cole made you work for his friendship a little more.

Leah: Cole was like the coolest kid ever. Even though he was one of your friends I really liked him because he was a good guy. And he was quiet. But, not quiet for the sake of shyness. And I think there was a lot going on in Cole’s head.

That mystery around Cole really worked into Dylan’s persona.  It’s like they were each others foil, where one trait contrasts another trait which contrasts another, until you realized Dylan and Cole were two sides of the same coin.

And, this isn’t uncommon with brothers. They grow up together. So, having slight differences yet still being relatable isn’t a new concept. In fact, it’s kind of expected.  Even for their differences, they tried to best versions of themselves for their friends.

And that’s really how they held everyone together. Not too long after the Glebkes moved to Neillsville, Denise Venzke became friends with Dylan and Cole. She was Dylan’s grade and friends with Leah and Fawn too.

And she isn’t a stranger to tragedy. During her freshman year of high school, Denise was attacked by her older brother’s dogs. This wasn’t a simple bite on the ankle. They torn a large portion of scalp off. Denise made it to the emergency room luckily. But even here, it was far from over. She was in critical condition. Surgeons had to remove large portions of her thigh and arms to rebuild her scalp. Leah and I went with a group of people to visit her that night; it was the first time we saw one of our friends in the ICU. The surgeons were happy with their work and that Denise would survive. But they weren’t Denise. She was 14 and had to numerous surgeries and therapy sessions ahead of her.

Denise with her children

When Denise returned to school, she began to see how caring the Glebkes were:

Denise: The high school guidance counselor he kind of had everyone meet and talk about things before I came to school. And everyone wrote me questions from my class about what I was going through and how I felt. I’ll never forget Dylan’s. I have it to this day. His only question was Do you love me as much as I love you? I just started bawling when I saw that. Because that was so him. He didn’t care what you physically looked like, what your appearance was. It was just who you are and he was just so accepting of everyone.

 And it didn’t stop with the letter. Dylan and Cole went out of their ways to show Denise how great she was. It continued throughout high school:

Denise: Dylan and I had this thing where we would pick daises and put them on each other’s car. We would never tell the over person about it. And it was like he would know when I wasn’t feeling good or something was going on—even when I wouldn’t tell him. And I would leave after school and see a daisy on my car and it would totally change my day. That was him. He had like that sixth sense for people.

The feeling to be around them is something that’s almost impossible to explain. I was always comfortable and I never felt that anything I said was going to be judged by them. They were always very honest. But, it’s hard. It’s so hard [to explain].

Dylan and Cole knew how to make people feel good. They were great at that. But, we’re talking about a core group of maybe 6-10 friends in a high school of 400 students. This is less than a half of percent. And being a part of a minority, they weren’t accepted by everyone. Again, Blake:

Blake: I remember getting a ride to Wallis Woodstock from Dylan once. I think it was one of his classmates that also worked there. He was like I can’t believe you’re hanging out with him. He’s such a… [he] was talking smack. But I remember defending [Dylan] and sticking up for him because I liked that. He didn’t have to hide anything. This is who I am and I’m going to speak my mind.

As Fawn remembers, stuff like this at school just didn’t matter:

Fawn: We were still a very small, small group of people. And Dylan did get a lot of verbal abuse and just [getting] picked on. But, since we had each other, it just didn’t matter anymore.

But, this wasn’t limited to just the school. The Glebkes got harassed in a lot of places.  We are not talking about odd looks and off the cuff remarks. They got kicked out of places for just being themselves. Again Amber:

Amber: We loved being outdoors. Even though we were alternative looking kids, we really liked being outside.  We loved camping, so we went to go camping one time. We were like teenagers and a whole bunch of grown men came out, and said, very intimidatingly, We don’t want your kind here.  I guess when you’re not fully accepted it doesn’t feel good. But on the same hand, we just laughed at it, and went to the campsite next door. And honestly, [we] had a blast.

They did make everything a blast. And that’s what people got when they were with them. No matter how bad you felt, they would make you feel better. They were good at it. And it was a big part of Pam’s plan in the end. As she explains, she wanted her kids to open the house to everyone:

Pam: It probably would have went a lot further if I knew some of the situations that some of the kids were in that they were bring home. But I always knew that kids had circumstances like that. Growing up on the reservation, it was very, very poor. I grew up very poor. I had great families around me that…I guess I learned that not everything looks like the way people present it. And I think just being able to have some intuition about things and knowing that sometimes you can have a smile on your face but you still need a hug. You still need to know that you’re loved. I tried to pass that on to them and I think they did that very well. They pulled people in.

Pam: And I always had the idea that if my kids are going to somebody else’s house—that I don’t know where they are at—they could be going into the lion’s den. And so then I decided that I was going to make my home something that would be warm and wonderful. And that my kids would want to be there and then their friends would come—and then I would know exactly what was going on with my kids! [laughs]

In the Year 2000

Pam: Merry Christmas honey. [laughs] You didn’t guess!
Cole: Oh, a fishing pole. I needed a knew one.
Pam: Okay, Dylan.
Dylan: I don’t know…oh, awesome.
Amber: Shut up Dylan. [excitingly]
Pam: That’s not just a telescope. That’s a see up to the stars telescope.
Amber: [laughs]
Cole: Yeah, that’s what you usually do with a telescope.

—Audio from the Glebke’s Last Christmas

The 1999-2000 school started like any other. Amber graduated the year prior, Dylan started 11th grade, and Cole started 9th grade. As much as we want to glamorize our pasts,  Dylan and Cole weren’t good students. They barely completed their homework. And they skipped class often. In fact, Dylan and Cole would routinely skip school to go to the mall or get Chinese food. And, we were more than willing to go along. It was during this time, Dylan struck up an ongoing conversation with Mr. Smith, our school counselor:

Mr. Smith, aka Henry

Mr. Smith: In 2000, Dylan’s locker was right outside my office door. I saw Dylan twice a day. Every day. Most days he would come to his locker.  And we would exchange salutations and greetings. [Mr. Smith] New bowling shirt? .25 cents? [Dylan] .10 cents. That was kind of how our year went [laughs]. When he was a junior. Every day was the same thing. He had a different bowling shirt on. And again, traveled to the beat of a different drummer. Hey, everybody is finding themselves.

Mr. Smith traveled to the beat of a different drum himself. He became a school counselor during the 70s—when the profession was under the guidance counselor model. You know, when they guided you into college or a career. For Mr. Smith, he genuinely cared for his students. He had become an EMT to help out with sprained ankles and other injuries during the basketball season. And his office was a safe space for students who needed time to deescalate. He had become an advocate for Denise. In fact, he was with us the night we visited Denise after her attack. And he would visit her during therapy sessions throughout high school. To this day, they still keep in contact.

Besides the conversations with Mr. Smith, it was a rather normal year for us. We’d hang out at Dylan and Cole’s house, go to Fawn’s house, drive an hour to another city, hike Wildcat Mound, skate a friend’s half pipe, or just walk around town.

As the year progressed, Dylan and Cole grew closer not only as brothers, but also as friends. And at times, Dylan and Cole were so different from each other, it seemed like they like would never find a common ground.  But the big brother, little rivalry had finally boiled over. Again, Leah:

Leah: Cole was more quiet about things and Dylan was just so much more loud about things. But, they shared that same quirk. And I think that’s what made them such good friends. Because, even though they were brothers, they were really good friends.

As summer break got closer, so did prom. For Denise, Fawn, Dylan, and Leah, it was their Junior Prom, the year when their graduating class held prom court. Although they weren’t on court, they were still going. Denise was going to take Cole. Fawn and Blake were dating. Dylan was going to take our friend Louella. And Leah went with some of her other friends. And for the rest of us who didn’t go, we went to next town over and skated until the cops kicked us out.  The day before prom, Mr. Smith chatted with Dylan:

Mr. Smith: The night before prom, like again, I went right outside my office, he was right outside my office. And I said, You be careful out there this weekend. There’s a lot of crazies out there.  And [Dylan] said, I’m always careful. I’m responsible for people’s lives.

Afternoon: May 6, 2000

And on Saturday, May 6, just before prom started, everyone went to Fawn’s house to get ready. Since she was the only friend who lived in Neillsville, it was a natural meeting spot. As prom got closer, Fawn became apprehensive:

Cole, Fawn, and Dylan before prom

Fawn: We were getting ready for prom, and I told Denise…all of sudden I got really hot and anxious, I don’t want to go to prom. Something really bad is going to happen. And I don’t want to go. I could even eat or drink. The whole night I was just anxious. And Blake even said to me, Denise said you didn’t want to go to prom. What’s going on?  And I said I just have this horrible feeling.

Fawn wasn’t the only person feeling uneasy. Pam and Dan left the day before so Pam could lead a Diabetes workshop. She wanted to speak to Dylan and Cole before they went to prom:

Pam: Yeah, so I went that night before, and I had a premonition. And I was like Oh, my gosh.  So I called back home and I wanted to talk to the boys, but they had already left. So I talked to Amber. And I said Amber,  I have this premonition that an earthquake is going to come, but you and I are going to be standing afterwards.And I had no idea what it was related to. But it was a premonition.

Evening: May 6, 2000

20 years ago, prom was a community event in Neillsville. There was maybe 400 kids in the high school and less than half went to prom. There was maybe 2600 people in Neillsville, and more than half of them watched prom. Or it seemed that way. It was more than balloons, streamers, and loud music; there were neighbors, siblings, and  grandparents here too—all of them wanting to take pictures or steal a moment of your time. Outside of Neillsville’s summer festival or the county fair, it was the biggest event of year. A lot people forgot, but prom was great that year:

Cole and Denise before prom

Denise: Prom was perfect. Like everything was perfect. We had such a great evening Cole and I did. I don’t know how, but Cole and I were like the lead of the prom after the prom court. Totally messed it up [laughs]. And we laughed so hard. It was hilarious. And then after that we forced someone to go ahead of us. We don’t know what we are doing.

A lot of people had a bad feeling about that night. Like there was something bad that was going to happen. I didn’t have that. Cole and I had so much fun. We were hanging out with Blake and Cristal and Georgette. We were laughing so much. I remember how bad my belly hurt after laughing because Dylan was telling the most ridiculous jokes and stories. I didn’t even know if they were real or not, but they were hilarious. It was genuine happiness. But, if I could live in the that moment for the rest of my life, I’d…just…. I look back at it and smile. And it was one of the favorite moments of my life honestly.

Louella and Dylan at Prom

After the grand march, kids started to disseminate. Some of us went to a friend’s house. Some of us went to after parties. And some of us went to hotels. Since Dylan, Louella, Blake, Fawn, Cole and Denise came as a group, they decided to leave as one. But Denise ran into a neighbor as she left:

Denise: A girl that I knew, Liz Kuhn, was at prom. And I don’t know why because she was quite a bit older [than me] and she just came there. [Liz said] I don’t want you driving. And I was like That’s weird. I had like talked to her but it wasn’t like we were really close friends.  

So, everyone got into a car.  Fawn and Blake got into theirs and went with some friends to Black River Falls. Dylan, Cole, Louella, and her boyfriend Danny got into Dylan’s car. And Denise hopped in with Liz. They heard about a party in Hatfield, WI.

And like that, everyone went their way.

Morning: May 7, 2000

Mr. Smith continued his work as an EMT. On Sunday, May 7, he got a call around 3 am. There has been a car crash south of town down Highway 73.  He put down the phone. He put on his uniform. And made his way towards the site:

Mr. Smith: Your worst nightmare. I was on with two young EMTs. I mean, young, they were under 21 each.  [They] hadn’t seen anything like this. And when we rolled up on scene, the fire department had the vehicle’s fire put out.  And basically, the vehicles were there and I rolled up probably about from here to the wall away [8 feet]. And I got out of the vehicle and I asked them to stay in the vehicle. I said You don’t have to. But I’m asking you to stay in the vehicle because you don’t need to see this.

 I was the person who the coroner came up and gave me a license and told me who the car was registered to. I said he’s the driver [Dylan] and his brother is the other person in the front seat. They didn’t ask me to look in the back seat and I’m glad that I didn’t.

After Dylan and Cole were identified, the authorities dispersed. They made their way north to the Glebke’s house. Amber woke up to a knocking at the door. She was still alone:

Amber: And when I woke up, I realized that Dylan and Cole were not home. I went down stairs and there were two gentlemen there who said they were police officers. And they said that there was an accident and that Dylan and Cole died [crying]. And I’d…it’s like still so crazy of a feeling like…I didn’t realize I was made of bricks on the inside. And like my body was a skeleton of it. And I felt my inside crumble to the ground. And in that moment, I could have let my body fall with it. And then a surreal life kind of began.

Pam was still at the conference. Morning activities were about to start when a colleague pulled her aside. A man wanted to speak to her. She didn’t know he was a police officer:

Pam: All of a sudden, a cop…I don’t know if they called or came in and asked for me; I don’t know. So, somebody called me out. So, I went outside, by myself by this beautiful old tree. The police officer said Your sons died in an accident.  And it didn’t hit me, so I just stood there. He got into this car. He left. And then, I became weak. I fell on the ground and I could not get back up. And I really don’t remember anything…until somebody put a patch of tobacco in my hand. And she told me, Brenda was her name, she told that’s when I had the strength to stand up.

News travels fast in Neillsville. And before 8 am, most of the town knew there was an accident. It was just a question of who it was. Now, it became a game of phone tag. Again Leah:

Leah: We had gotten a call and mind you this was before cell phones. I think it was Phil Strunsee’s mom had called to the hotel room. Said there was an accident. So, that phone was being used. I went out to the front desk because I didn’t know if Fawn and Denise were in the accident. If you were in the accident. I didn’t know who was in this accident. I had no idea. I just knew that it was four people. I got out to the front desk. And I think called dad. And I don’t remember if it was you or dad who told me. I knew that you weren’t in it. At that point, I didn’t know if Fawn or Denise were involved, but I knew it was Dylan and Cole. And I dropped to my knees [crying]…in the hotel lobby…and there was house keeper who helped my back to the room. And I let everybody know what happened. And just like that, what went from being a night that…we had so much fun changed.

We all fell down. And tried to put ourselves part together again. And call someone. Anyone. And see if they were alive. These were, to this day, some of the hardest phone calls to make. Again, Fawn:

Fawn: I don’t know how Amy Mortenson heard, but she was the one who eventually called me. And she said Did you hear about the accident? Well, I don’t know who it all was, but I thought you should know it was Dylan and Cole. And I said No it wasn’t. Because, they got ready for prom at my house. So, their clothes and shoes and stuff was sitting right by the phone there. Right by the steps. By the door. I said No it wasn’t because their shoes are right here. My brain was like immediately I can’t hear what you are saying. That’s not right.  I said They have to come back because their clothes are hear. And then [Amy] was like No Fawn, it was Dylan and Cole. And I just dropped the phone and threw up all over the dining room floor.

And after we finished our calls, we all went to Fawn’s house. It was instinctual.  Most of us had been there the night before. And we had no idea what was going to happen or who was going to show up next. A few hours went by. And more and more people converged on her lawn. It was more than friends—other students, family members, and neighbors stopped by. And then, Pam and Dan showed up. She pulled Fawn aside, and began to cry:

Fawn: I was in such a fog. Emptiness. I like lost….I was lost. Once my mind gripped the fact that they were actually gone which didn’t happen until that moment on the sidewalk when I saw Pam.  Because my mind wasn’t [there] because [so many] people were coming to my house.

After Pam left, we followed her home. Again, Daisy:

Daisy: Everybody was bawling their heads off. All day long out at the farm. It was tragedy. Utter tragedy. I don’t know how else to describe it. There was not a dry eye all day long. We just cried, and cried, and cried all day long. We just sat around. There were kids from Neillsville that just came and sat on the kitchen floor. Just staring at the floor for 8 hours. Kids were numb. They didn’t know what to do. Nobody knew what to do. We sat around that farm and that kitchen and that living just staring at the walls all day. It was so terrible.

Denise showed up with her friend Jeanie. And met Amber in the front lawn:

Denise: But I remember Amber was there and I had no words. There was like nothing I could say to her. Of course Jeanie was very chatty. And even Jeanie didn’t have words. We just sat quietly together and cried. And Amber was so strong. I think maybe she was in shock at that point. But, we all just sat on their lawn and cried.

Amber was good at being strong. She kept people together. She was like Pam. And she had a place between her heart and soul that kept people safe. Now, she began to feel it slip away:

Amber: I think if I would have faced it all at once, I feel like I would have laid down and died. I don’t know to explain it any other way and maybe it will only make sense for me. But when Dylan and Cole died, it was like an emotional or spiritually tragedy that nobody can see what it does to you on the inside. If I were in a car accident and both my arms were had to be amputated you can see that. I, in so many ways, feel like something like that happened to me when they died. Like…there’s just a part of me that’s gone and I had to learn how to live without them [crying].

Morning: May 8, 2000

From the Associated Press

And as Monday came, everything was different. School was empty. People flocked to the accident site. And, to top it off, the national news showed up:

Mr. Smith: The Monday after the accident, the 8th of May, I get to school at 6:30 in the morning and there’s a truck from CBS sitting in the parking lot. Oh shit. That’s not what we need right now. But, I knew that they were going to be there. And this was just the first of like 4 different networks that showed up to film. We’’, [they’re] going to be here at 9 o’clock. The next one is going to be here at 10 o’clock. The next one is going to be here at 11 o’clock. And the next one is going to be here at noon.

It was apparent that this accident was bigger than any of us. In a general sense, the entire community mourned. For a group of kids who weren’t star athletes and who had been ridiculed, it was biting if not cruelly ironic. But as Mr. Smith reminds us, it’s times like these when people come together:

Mr. Smith: It was massive. There was a real outpouring of, if you want to call it, support for the families. And part of it, the adult in it, by the grace of God, therefore I go I; they were just so thankful that it wasn’t their kid. And so over whelmed by it all. It wasn’t the fact that a student died. It was the fact that 4 students died. That many at one time, how do you cope?

We didn’t know how to cope. Many of us hadn’t experienced death before, or at least not the death of a close friend.  And as their funeral approached, Pam asked Fawn, Daisy, and myself to prepare eulogies. She tried to make it easy for us. Encouraged us to dress as if it was a normal day.  Speak from the heart. Even during this time, she was still watching out for us.

Afternoon: May 10, 2000

On Wednesday, May 10, we went to the funeral.  And, we quickly realized, this was a big deal. Daisy, whose dad was an usher, he lost count after 700. Again, Denise:

Denise: It was crazy. It was so many people. And I never seen that many people in that church. And I didn’t even know it could hold that many people. It was kind of overwhelming.

Again Leah:

Leah: There were so many people. So many people. And I don’t think that’s something that you can really comprehend at that age. Because, a lot of times when you go to a funeral when you’re young, a lot people are there because they obliged to go. I truly feel for all four of those funerals, I don’t think that anybody was there because they felt obliged. They were there because thee was a genuine connection.

The extent: Believers’ Church so big. Man, that place was huge! And to think how packed that place was. Knowing just how many people that they had touched, it was crazy to think about. I just don’t know if then I knew the full extent.

And as the funeral started, Amber began to cry. Since May 7, she had been so focused on others that she avoided the gravity of the situation. But, it finally caught up to her. She sat there with the rest of her family, and everyone watched as they broke down. And, there wasn’t anything we could do about it. We could go home, and everyone would be there. But, they didn’t have this anymore.  So, we said our words, listened, and held onto whatever we could:

Pastor Haas: Their family asked some of their friends to share a few more thoughts about them. So, I would like to ask Seth, Daisy, and Fawn to come up to the platform with me.

Fawn: I never dreamed I would be doing this. Not for these people. And I hope and pray that I never have to do this again. But, there is no way to read the future and there’s no way to go back and change the past. Because, I am sure that a lot of us would go back and change a lot of things that we did. But, this is not time for regrets. Throughout life, the term best friend is handed out to a lot of people without much thought. You took me to the mall last week; you’re my best friend. You let me wear your sweatshirt; now you’re my best friend. And, I am not saying it is wrong to have more than one because best friends are wonderful things. And there’s not a doubt in my mind Dylan Glebke was my best friend. And he still is. And I am very blessed that I spent every day with Dylan and Cole. I know they are happy now. And I know that they will always be standing besides me. One on each side—along with Louella Blackdeer and Danny Riddle. For everyone else that truly knew these people, that were fortunate enough to know these people, and laugh with them and just be in their presence, they will always walk besides you too.

                        — From Dylan and Cole’s funeral

The Next School Year

In the months followed, we acclimated back into our lives. Or, we tried the best we could. We finished the school year, went back to our jobs,  and tried to feel normal again. But, grief works in complicated ways. And we noticed that everyone wasn’t getting better. We were starting to disintegrate:

Fawn: Living life with Dylan it was this carefree, everything was positive. Yea. Yea. Yea. Everything was fun. And then that happened. And it was almost like I ‘m never going to let myself get that close to anyone ever again because this hurts really bad.  And friendship wise, I have never made friends after that. There’s a definitive… if you looked on the timeline of Fawn’s life, there was Fawn before May 7, 2000 and a definitive my personality afterwards. And who I became afterwards. Because, I changed after that.

Denise:  But, I shut down  for a long time after that. Like, I really had a hard time putting myself back together. I think that everyone dealt with it in their own way. But, none of us really dealt with it at the moment. You know, we kind of tried to push forward and just be. I don’t know if I really allowed myself to be like in the moment and be happy as much until I was much older.

Leah: I think it’s just the age in itself. You want to be independent. You don’t want to admit that you are hurting. And you don’t want to admit that you want help. And, sometimes, you really understand that you need the help. And I think that’s the point that I was at. [I] was going to take care of it myself. And talking about it made me hurt. And I didn’t want that anymore. I didn’t go. I didn’t talk about it. I did things that were the exact opposite of talking about it. You know, I think there was a lot more substances being used. Not as much drinking. But, there was a lot of other things being used to numb the pain.

Everything changes. As the next school year started, many familiar places were gone. Dylan and Cole weren’t home. Fawn’s mom remarried and moved out of town. Under these circumstances, a slow tension began to reach a breaking point. It became debilitating. And people began to notice. Our classmates. Our parents. Our teachers. It was obvious. Mr. Smith started  a support group for a small group of students—mainly friends and family members—that met bi-weekly at school. After a few months, people stopped showing up. It ended with Louella’s sisters and myself  being the only ones that were still there. During this time, Pam tried desperately to keep us together:

Pam: Part of why I think I tried to stay connected was…I didn’t want to lose you [crying]. Because when you go through this you understand how fragile how life really can be [crying]. And I wanted to make sure that all you guys had a boost. A boost up. That it wasn’t going to define your life. But, it was just going to be a part, a good part of your life. And I didn’t want to lose anybody else [crying].

And Pam’s constant care eventually took its toll on her. As Pam recounts, she felt like pieces of herself were falling apart:

Pam: You go through some things in life where you don’t have anything to give.  And so I tried to stay on with my full life philosophy for several months. From May, June, July, August, September…October it hit me. When it really hit me. I looked outside. The leaves started to fall off the trees and I felt myself fall apart at that time. It was pieces. It was  literally  pieces. And so, from October to the end of January the next year, I couldn’t do anything. I literally could not. My husband took care of me and Amber. They both took care of me. There’s a time when you have to sit down and say Okay, I can’t give anything. Now I just have to try to survive this.    

Almost everything became survival for Pam. And it wasn’t easy. She found herself breaking down in the grocery store or on her way to work. She would still be as positive as possible for us, but it began to wear her even more. We tried in our own ways to help. Calling her. Meeting up at the house. Being a part of holidays. And still, it would be years before we could vaguely comprehend what her and the rest of family were going through.

Trauma affects more people than you realize. Their deaths weren’t limited to a small group of friends and family members. It would be wrong to say otherwise. And it would be years before any of us knew the full extent. Today, as I talk to Mr. Smith, he opens up about how much the accident affected him:

Mr. Smith: I did not cry openly before then [crying]. And it took a long time to accept that. Because of this accident, I had to wind up and go through some counseling. Because, I would get up and it started in October [2000] afterwards. And it went through February [before] I told my wife that I need to seek out some help. I wasn’t that it was nightmares or anything like that. But, when I got up and came back to bed, that scene was all I could see. That was an eye opening thing for me. I thought I was pretty tough. But I was pretty weak.

And Like Mr. Smith, in the years that followed, everyone tried to move on as best they could. To a certain extent, childhood’s end was over and many us fast tracked into adulthood.  Leah and her boyfriend Troy married and had children nearly a year after graduation. Fawn and Blake quickly followed. Amber, Daisy and Denise followed after them.

The Years that Followed

Leah and Denise at graduation 2001

And for a moment, everyone started to mend their fences. They were married with children, had jobs, continued into college, and kept in contact with each another. Briefly, everything seemed to come together again. And then, in the same order they got married, one by one, each couple went through difficult divorces. And the fences they mended started to come undone.

And a lot of us were dealing with trauma—in our own way.  Asking questions like: “Why am I here and they are not? It’s been 5 years. 10 years. I should be happy that I am alive. Why do I feel this way.”

And this especially difficult for Denise. She was one of the last people to see them alive and was supposed to be in the same car that night. Her guilt multiplied. And she kept reaching breaking point we felt in high school.  And unlike most of us, she kept herself at an arms distance away from the Glebkes after the accident.  It took her nearly 20 years before she could speak freely with Pam:

Denise: After Cole died, I had some horrible survivor’s guilt, because he was my prom date and I felt that he should have been with me.  And I still to this day can’t  explain why he isn’t. And it took me a really long time before I could have a conversation with Pam about it. And she was always very welcoming to me. But, every time I saw her I felt guilt. It’s like my fault that her son is not here. That was really difficult for me to cultivate a relationship with Pam because of that.

But, I can remember just a few years ago, I had a conversation with her and explained to her that I do have this. This is why it’s hard for me to open up and be close with you. Because, I feel like it’s my fault that your son is not here. And I expected, I don’t know why I expected her to have something angry or something like that to say to me. And the only thing that she said was You cannot live like that Denise. You need to let that go and you need to live your life for them because they are not able to be here and live.  And that was a pinnacle changing point in my life. And had probably gone, I don’t know 20 years with this guilt on my shoulders.

I feel like after that happened, one day, I was randomly having a really bad day. Just, all up in my head.  And I lived an hour away from Neillsville, but for some reason I decided I was going to sit at their grave and just be there. And Pam showed up. Like no reason. They’re there. And she just hugged me with this embrace and I just felt like all these little pieces that I fragmented myself had some how come back to together

Again Pam:

Pam: It can be difficult. But, you know if it will help somebody along their way, you know how I am Seth, I am going to help somebody along their way [laughing]. Even if it is difficult for me. Because life is not fair. And it’s not easy. And it’s not always rainbows and unicorns. And it’s that way for everybody. And it’s not just that way for me. It’s not that way for every single person that gets the opportunity to have life and breath.

In the twenty years that have passed, the only constant things that remain are the feeling that Dylan and Cole left behind. While these feelings tear us part, they are same things that can put us back together again. And as we move forward into the next twenty, it’s all we need to know. Even in the end, it seems like Pam can say, in a few words, what it took twenty years for most of us to reach:

            Pam: I just feel super blessed that I got to be their mom.

Epilogue 

I would like to dedicate this piece to Louella and Danny.  Each led a unique life. I wish one day to work with each family to develop their own story.  A special thanks to Blake, Fawn, Leah, Denise, and Daisy for being a part of this. To Mr. Smith for driving to Eau Claire at the beginning of the COVID-19 crisis to be interviewed. This project would not have been possible without the support of Pam, Amber, and Dan who gave me their permission to start it.  In 2019, Fawn married Dylan and Cole’s younger brother Kenny. I would like to congratulate them on the birth of their daughter Greta. Finally, Pam would like to thank Mr. Smith and the rest of the first responders who were on duty the night of their accident.

[All music and graphics made by Seth Langreck]

Tony, me, and Cole during the summer of 1999

 

 

27 thoughts on “Dylan and Cole Glebke: Putting Ourselves Back Together Again

  1. Henry says:

    Thank you Seth great job it must have been hard but thank you for your great service.

    Remember that no one fights alone!

    1. Kathy Mathis says:

      Beautifully done Seth. Each mother and dad lived their own tragedy that weekend putting themselves in the shoes of those parents. God bless you for doing this and God bless all of the families.

    2. Denise says:

      Just beautiful!! Thank you Seth!!
      Dylan and Cole forever touched my life. This was a perfect tribute! And I will suck the life out of life!!🤓

      1. Katie says:

        Seth wonderful job. Beautiful tribute to Dylan and Cole. Such beautiful boys Ill never forget their smiling curious faces. Pam, Dan and Amber you are treasures. Amber that morning I will never forget. I am terribly sorry to you all. Someday you will be with them forever. I love you dearly.

  2. Autumn Marg says:

    This is absolutely beautiful, smiles and tears both. Thank you Seth and everyone who helped with this! Hugs to you all.
    LoveEverybody

  3. Lori says:

    I still remember this day. I work at Pizza Hut in Neillsville and we did a benefit for the families It was amazing an so busy and I was proud that we gave the money to the families.

    1. Seth Langreck says:

      I remember that! It was one of the few times I paid for pizza at Pizza Hut without doing dishes and cleaning the front.

  4. Marla Hawks says:

    I love you Pam, Amber & Dan ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

  5. Lori Meurett says:

    It took me a while to listen to this but thankfully I did. I am so proud of you, Seth! It was truly a wonderful work of the heart.

  6. Heather says:

    Dear Seth,

    Dylan and Cole were my cousins, and being so close to them, you must know that our family has always been our safe place. I was a freshman at Marshfield High School, my first year after being “permanently suspended” from Stratford Middle School for writing a bomb threat. I remember being so angry and at the same time not ever thinking I had the right to be, though I would have never admitted that then. I remember having dreams where they would visit me. Which was weird for me. Amber, Dylan and Cole have a lot of cousins, from here to the Pacific… maybe more. To me cousins have been like supplemental brothers and sisters when you’re not getting along with your own, or they aren’t around at the time. A cousin is also, always, a friend. So many of my best memories are with cousins from the “Adams” family (Irey Adams is Pam’s and my mother’s father). Dylan and Cole, of course, play leading roles in many. When they passed our family changed in and unexplainable way, not in a bad way, because somehow our love grew stronger in many ways. But, in a real way that we all feel somehow when we are together. It is those intangible, but real shifts that seem to have directed my path without my expressed consent and that’s probably true for everyone. Today it is my 35th birthday. I guess that means I was fifteen when the accident happened. It seems I have lived lifetimes since then. It only took me twenty years to find what those boys had way back then. It wasn’t until I read what you have written here that I have ever really grieved for Dylan and Cole, for Auntie Pam, for Amber, or my family. I am so grateful that you have written this story. Somehow what you did here put me together in a less broken way, with more love than I had before and you have blessed me. I hope soon you will be blessed this much and more. Much love. -Heather

    1. Seth Langreck says:

      Thank you for opening up about how this changed you. Their accident was a massive experience. You are not alone: Many people I interviewed didn’t realize how much this altered them, their friends, family, or community until years later. If we can learn anything from this, it’s simple. Keep those you cherish close and remember that there’ll always be parts of them with you…no matter where you go.

  7. Andrea Wagner says:

    Seth – you did a phenomenal job telling a part of Dylan and Cole’s life story, explaining who they were, and also how this tragedy affected so many people. Thank you. I’ll never forget Amber’s wailing at the funeral and it cut me so deep – I could feel the crumbling of her soul. We are all so lucky to have known them and their beautiful family. Love you all ❤️

    1. Seth Langreck says:

      Thanks Andrea. It was the most difficult part of the funeral for me. But, I’m just happy today that I get to see her, Pam, and Dan. Stay well!

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